A self-contained, portable coffee pot. A C-Pot, if you will.
It fits neatly and comfortably in your hand. There are a wide-variety of styles available; some shaped like an egg, some like a viking hammer, others like tricorders (classic and Next Gen). There are a wide range of styles and colours, and they can be easily modified to suit.
Pop in a cartridge, press a discreet button, and a self-contained, rechargeable battery rapidly heats up the concentrated liquid ready to drink through a customisable drip-tip.
Cartridges are available in an extensive range of flavours including rum, whisky, mint, chocolate and fizzy-prune. Flavours also come in various coffee-styles and caffeine-strengths.
Drip tips are also available in a range of materials, styles and colours. Some drip tips are covertly-placed and eject (softly) upwards into place ready for use. Others stand proud of the device, though these are less popular due to leakage and the occasional snag issue.
Some designs incorporate sound chips (an African Wildlife themed model proves popular) and there are also LED-kits available to fine-tune styling to suit.
It tastes great, provides the same effect as caffeine… and the range and combination of pot-styles, coffee flavours and strengths ensures that any geeky coffee-addict will find something they love.
It’s cheap. It’s convenient. It’s fun. It’s appealing and rapidly innovative.
It also proves to be highly-popular. Even the ‘fizzy-prune’ flavours. C-Pot outlets spring up and online C-Pot sales rocket. Forums appear across the world and C-Pot users often gather under summer canvas to browse through vendor stalls, share flavours and mods… and imbibe in a communal manner. Within a few short years, C-Pot users are numbered in the tens of millions, world-wide.
And each time you finish a C-Pot cartridge, the faerie gods and goddesses take £5 off the national debt and ensure that a kitten finds a home.
What’s not to like?
Cue the Bankers. Cue Starbucks. Cue Investment Corporations. Cue Costas. Cue Nestlé.
Government begins to argue that C-Pot regulation is urgently required as all national debt requires management and oversight by trained professionals and experts. The World Bank threatens to increase interest rates to compensate for lost revenue for any national government that fails to prohibit C-Pot sales within their borders.
Well-known, though rather rabid ‘anti-faerie’ advocates such as Marvin McKoppout, Certifiable Glantz and Simple Chapman flood news outlets. Their opinions gather traction among prohibitionists.
Finance ministers across Europe unanimously agree that ‘the general public knows jack shit about the intricacies of debt-flow and economic management’ and that the ‘maintenance of a healthy national debt’ is a fundamental right of governments. They also publicly question the tax situation of prominent faeries. Even the invisible ones.
The EU Parliament also declares that ‘we cannot combine an addictive product (caffeine) with unregulated faerie-based debt-reduction measures as this would blatantly encourage magical financial responsibility in the general population alongside potentially-harmful product addiction and a resultant threat to public health.’
C-Pots are argued to be ‘ethically and morally perverse’ by eminent economic advisers and financial advocate groups.
Cat welfare organisations appear to forget their primary raison d’être (arguably the wellbeing of cats) and also join forces with C-Pot prohibitionists.
Fears that C-Pots are a ‘gateway to paganism’ (as they promote non-standard spiritual awareness among the young) are expressed by senior Scientologists keen to maintain the focus of their belief-structure on
lizards thetans. Blessed be.
Concerns are also expressed regarding the potential for caffeine-induced Peter Pan fetishism among a rising and vulnerable elderly population.
The Daily Mail runs frequent reports showing scantily-clad female unemployed immigrant pickpockets (most with baby bumps) dancing around mushroom rings, concluding that they are the ‘tip of the slippery sloth.’
Pharmaceutical companies argue that there is ‘a lack of an equal playing field’ and immediately (some would say suspiciously) succeed in developing Anti-Magick™ substances, manufactured in quiet collaboration with the Vatican.
Faerie organisations (naturally) threaten to take legal action on the basis that such moves are in opposition to their religious rights. No one listens as they have very squeaky, high-pitched voices and obviously don’t exist (naturally).
Global financial organisations, in collaboration with the Charitable Bloc argue that C-Pots should be re-classified as Social Engineering Products.
The European Union, as part of the Social Engineering Product Directive (SEPD), completes a consultation process (that ignores C-Pot users and faeries, obviously) and rapidly introduces legislation that :
- Prohibits the use of LEDs. These are considered to be ‘dangerous’ when within 10cm of a human cranium, despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary and the absence of a single documented case of the much-feared condition known as ‘glow-head.’
- Restricts the caffeine content of cartridges, which is reduced to a potency similar to sniffing a cup of java from 12 (yeti) paces. In a snowstorm.
- Removes all aromatic discharge in order to dissuade appeal to children and innocent marsupials.
- Replaces caffeine in liquid form with desiccated bean dust, despite the fact that this will cause teeth to darken and the product to taste like wildebeest effluent.
- Introduces a cross-border regulatory framework that enforces the removal of all faerie gods and goddesses from any product affiliation, past, present, in galactic perpetuity and beyond. This is to be achieved by the addition of Anti-Magick™ rings to all C-Pots.
Oddly, and in seeming contradiction to their public perception as the Evil Empire, Big Caffeine market their own versions of C-Pots, and in cooperation with conglomerated coffee outlets, release branded C-Pots that comply with the new regulations and do not reduce national debt by one farthing. They also publicly declare that ‘cats are not our concern’ and ‘claws are sharp and dangerous and should be reduced within the population for the sake of vulnerable kiddies.’
C-Pot aficionados fight back and refuse to accept regulation. Twitter is aflame. EMails rip across the interweb and politicians across the world are inundated with messages from constituents packed with anecdotal evidence and righteous fury. Websites pop up across the globe in support of C-Pots and marches are organised before political buildings, world-wide.
However, media outlets remain curiously silent and are seemingly reluctant to argue the benefits of national debt reduction and refuse to show photographs of happy felines, despite being bombarded with pie-charts, graphs, learned research articles and kitty-selfies.
Many C-Pot users, focused on mod-developments, high-end and expensive customisations, and ‘pot-racing’ (super-fast fluid-vapourisation) fail to understand the threat from prohibitive regulation and have no interest in faerie-influenced public benefit. In the face of prohibition, they decide to stock up on cartridges ordered in bulk and then freeze-dried. As a result, pot-activism struggles to find it’s full potential, despite the laudable and effective efforts of the enlightened.
One thing remains clear… whatever the global banks, cat-charities, ‘expert’ advocates, Big Caffeine and clueless politicians decide… potters will continue the fight and will not be content with anything less than victory.
If you think this all sounds ridiculous, fanciful and unrelated to reality… well… where the hell have you been lately?